Nietzsche thought that all truth was a matter of interpretation, and that is certainly true about enemies. It is a notoriously fickle term. Everyone thinks they know an enemy when they see one, until their enemy provides a benefit, in which case the enemy transforms into a friend. The reverse can happen just as easily.
Being a form of exclusion, it takes two to have an enemy. They frequently are fictional characters who exist as what we imagine them to be. We give them demeaning names and portray them as lunatics. Of course, our enemies do the same about us. Generally speaking, enemies do not understand each other. It’s hard for people playing roles to have an honest conversation.
This fickleness is found in many marriages, where a loved one transforms into an opponent. There is give and take, the balance of which both sides dispute. Each feels provoked, while ignoring their own provocations. The partners gradually define each other into rivals. Name-calling ensues. A divorce crystallizes the previously molten flow of antagonism.
Despite the pain they cause, we continue to have enemies because they serve a purpose. Marriages often outlive the moment when resentment becomes overt. People with enemies don’t know what to do without them. That’s why they always have one on their arm. If creating an enemy doesn’t suit our purpose, we find a way to resolve the conflict.
Enemies inflate our self-importance by being beneath us; the other side is always less intelligent. They give us someone to blame by being the ones who are wrong. They help us avoid ourselves by being a continual distraction. The convergent hatred brings an enemy to life. We will continue to have enemies until we no longer need them.
Since God doesn’t need anything, God doesn’t have any enemies. People can make themselves an enemy of God, but God never responds in kind. God’s love suffers with those damaged by the existence of enemies. This is why God’s instruction is to love those who hate us. When faced with antagonism, love provides more clarity than hatred.
If enemies are chosen, and maintained for reasons we don’t like to admit, then we can also choose differently. Loving them requires unlearning the habits that keep them useful.
Step one toward loving an enemy is to recognize it has nothing to do with what you might feel. You don’t have to like someone to love them. This is true whether we’re talking about married couples or blood feuds. To love someone, you may have to let go of what you happen to feel on any particular day. Being independent of emotions is part of love’s strength.
Step two is being honest with ourselves. Enemies don’t just happen. Why do you want one? People will disrespect, take advantage of, and inflict harm. But making them into an enemy is a choice. For purposes of our own, we choose to exacerbate pain, rather than resolve it. Forgiveness does not require reciprocity.
Step three is to listen. We generally don’t like listening to anyone; listening to an enemy qualifies as a taboo. The purpose of listening is not agreement, but understanding. If everyone thought just like you, listening would not be necessary. It is a basic form of respect that precedes genuine agreement or disagreement. It also does not matter if an enemy listens to you. Continue to listen.
Step four is to act, but you can’t make decisions about constructive action until you do the first three.
Love is selfless, which means that loving an enemy is not about winning. Enemies do not require defeat. Mutual respect is enough, because then you’ll be able to talk.
Love is patient. Loving an enemy requires stamina. In a world that wants quick results, enemies are easy to maintain. Since the effort itself may be enough to avoid a disaster, whether it be within a personal relationship, or among global humanity, love says it’s worth the effort. Patience is preferable to casualties.
A lot of relationships could be saved, and wars prevented, if people recognized their differences, treated each other with respect, and listened to what the other has to say. Love reveals the best action to take.
Love does not live in the past. Love looks for what is best in the present, with an eye toward the future. Approach an enemy with hope. Life flourishes when we no longer find them useful.
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